5IVE GIRLS (2006)

5ive troubled youngsters at a strict Catholic school (where they are to be disciplined) find that they each have magical abilities, which is a jolly good thing because they'll need those abilities in battling demons. Miller is the newest arrival, and has telekinetic powers. Tough girl Madley has healing hands (and is a lesbian. Mmm. Lesbians). Ron Perlman turns up as the firm but fair priest (with slightly busy hands), with the yummy Amy Lalonde playing the strict, dominatrix-like headmistress, who is fond of strip searching the girls and spanking them. And no, I'm not joking.

Look, it's a horror film set in a Catholic girls school and co-starring Ron Perlman. I had to see it, right? Yes I did, unfortunately. You see, although this is a very well-shot film, and competently made (aside from some dodgy FX) it is completely unimaginative and mostly derivative on the screenplay side of things. There's Carrie, The Craft, TV's Charmed, and even the Wizard of Darkness series and the South Korean horror film Whispering Corridors. If there was an original thought in this entire film, I must have missed it. Not only that, but it is completely dull for the most part.
It's certainly not kinky enough. There's practically no nudity, despite several opportunities for it. Can you say "No Nudity Clause"? Yes, well so can 99% of the actresses in this film it seems. Imagine what the late, great Russ Meyer might've done with this material! He'd fire most of the cast for starters. The characters are entirely bland stereotypes- the tough girl, the blind girl, the black girl and might have worked out had the performances at least been good, but unfortunately, most of these actors aren't much chop, though Madley does look a little like the sexy Navi Rawat from TV's Numbers. Even Ron Perlman, who can usually be depended upon to provide some menace or energy (he can also be very funny, just see Hellboy and The Last Supper), is entirely flat here, the second disappointing performance I've seen of his lately, after his silly work on Stephen King's Desperation. The guy's clearly picking up a paycheck and doesn't mind us knowing. Sadly, the cheesy headmistress gets all the film's best moments, and gives the only near-competent performance of the lot (make of that what you will).

I don't know what the filmmakers were thinking here, I mean the premise is perfect exploitation material, but we're not given nearly enough exploitation goodies, nor does the film even have a sense of humour. Mind you, there was at least one hysterically funny line, though whether it was intentional or not I cannot safely say; 'A ghost did my Latin homework!'.
It's not an awful film (it's too inconsequential for a start), the cinematography is really very good, as is the music score for that matter, and it's nice to see a headmistress character who for once doesn't look like a man. it's just all rather blah, in the end, and not worthy of anyone's time, unless you're a huge Charmed fan. But look, if you're gonna rip off every film under the sun, you better provide a whole lot of naked female flesh to compensate for the film's deficiencies. And that title, although technically accurate (i.e. It's about five girls), does suggest something a lot racier when one also reads the plot synopsis.

The DVD comes equipped with a few trailers, Warriors of Terra has Edward Furlong (how the mighty hath fallen...oh wait, he was never that great!) and looks like a lame cross of 28 Days Later and Resident Evil. Ultimate Killing Machine looks gory but unoriginal, featuring a slumming Michael Madsen. Last Sect is a seemingly sexy vampire flick with David Carradine as Van Helsing, and looks like fun.