ALL BABES WANT TO KILL ME (2004)

How can you fail to be captivated by such a tantalising title as ‘All Babes Want to Kill Me’? Well it certainly grabbed my attention back in mid 2004 when I stumbled upon the movies web site and, after a little digging I was able to secure TFA an early review copy of what promised to be a relatively fresh piece of action ass. Written and directed by first-timer Colin Miller (who also plays the lead character Vatchel Cho) and produced by the lovely Alex Cain (who plays Vatchel’s love interest Delores/Marina Green), this very original Karate comedy features overtures of romance mixed with slapstick tomfoolery which never misses a beat along its amusingly tragic journey.

The story revolves around young Vatchel Cho, brother to Shang and Ling and son to Mr Cho, a crazed cantankerous old fart who punishes the young boys with spiteful Karate routines and inane tasks in and around his tranquil abode. One day Mr Cho discovers that Vatchel is not his real son resulting in further ridicule, driving the poor boy to start eating paint chippings scraped from the wall marking the onset of the very rare disease, Mercritis. This condition leads to unprecedented violence from any female who can detect the stench emitting from the victim and plunges them into a lonely life of solitude. Many years latter, Vatchel lives alone in the desert and is one day surprised to be visited by his brother Shang, now a vindictive, manipulating scoudrel who dupes Vatchel in to a mission so dangerous that only true love and a fast reflex could survive it.
This slick family orientated action/comedy/romance combines the best from all walks of the relevant genres thanks to a charming mix of oddball characters, witty dialogue and surprisingly good (and funny) action sequences. The core of the movies comedy is supplied thanks to the films three contrasting brothers played by Colin Miller, Gianni Lazuli and John F Schaffer. Miller’s Vatchel is a meek and mild mannered man whose remote existence thanks to Mercritis has left him vulnerable to the harshness of the world. Lazuli’s character Shang is the linchpin to most of the films humour and looks like it was probably the most enjoyable part to play as he gnaws his way through the sets, dishing out insults to all those around him, trying his best to place poor Vatchel in harms way. To round off the odd trio is Schaffer’s character Ling, who is both feminine and over weight in equal measures and is often ridiculed by his evil older brother Shang. The chemistry between the three actors is refreshingly effective and the observant will often catch a glimpse of a rye smile creeping onto the face of one of the three as they have a ball delivering their amusing lines. One particular example of this is the scene which shows the three brothers standing in the kitchen eating ice cream. As Shang piles up the ice cream for the others, he instinctively pushes each cone down with his tongue before passing it on. This subtle action commences the onset of laughter which amplifies further when hearing their conversation regarding men wearing sandals and lesbians. It’s a great scene which is dripping with wit.
Having mentioned the humour, two other key elements add to the films already winning meld, action and attractive ladies. Miller has some moves going on thanks to his time as a senior martial arts instructor in California . In fact most of the combat scenes feature students from the institute where Miller works and it is a credit to him and others like Phi Vu and Kurt Nelson for the films professional looking chop-shop brawls. When not fighting with lethal Karate masters, the film offers a different but equally deadly foe, a gaggle of sexy babes. Riddled from the start, ‘All Babes..’ features the talents of some truly hot women cast for two reasons, to kick the living daylights out of Millers character and to look great whilst doing it . Alex Cain’s character plays a pivotal role in the story and is present practically through out Vatchel’s entire journey of discovery and is probably the only woman I know who still looks fine even with a black eye and broken nose. The curvaceous Bridget Ellen goes one-on-one with Miller in an extremely funny poolside fight and a host of other ladies including Zena Leigh, Katy Magnuson and Silvia Sross try their best to send the infected Vatchel back to hell.

The real life affliction of Mercritis is apparently a very real condition which afflicts 1/10,000,000 of the population brought about by the consumption of paint based products. If it wasn’t written in black and white on the production notes, I would have said this highly amusing illness which makes women want to tear your head off, was as real as Godzilla or Iraq ’s weapons of mass destruction, but it actually has its own web site for fellow sufferers to talk about their tragic experiences. Funny old world aint it!

It’s very rare that you get an independently shot production which appeals to the whole family, but this is what Miller and Cain have managed to achieve here. Its inoffensive nature is an endearing quality which never insults its viewers and helps make this simple one of the funniest slapstick action movies I have seen in a long time. Complete with a crazy love story, good looking cast and genuinely effective fights; look out for this one on its release because you won’t be disappointed.

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