Reviewed By
Ryan McDonald

Analysis
Welcome to another episode of How Many Times Can Ryan Use the Word Lesbian in A Review. It's Eurotrash time, folks. This 1971 drive-in classic, a Belgian-Italian co-production goes under many titles (such as "Vampire Playgirls", odd given there are no vampires here), and I would encourage you to come up with some of your own. My two contributions would be "The Gothic Sexcapades of Daphne and Velma" or "Enya- Minstrel of Mephistopheles". If you've seen the film, you'll know what I mean- that really does look like the Mystery Van they're driving, I swear. Who needs that cut lesbian scene between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Linda Cardellini when you've got classic 70s Gothic Eurotrash? They just don't make 'em like this anymore, folks.

The film's plot is the source of debate even today. You see, long before Brad Pitt whined 'What's in the Box? C'mon, What's in the Booooxxxxx!' in "Se7en", this film used the seven deadly sins for its victims. However, here we actually get to know them a bit. There's Mrs. Foster and her lustful husband, who is sleeping with envious brunette Corinne (Ivana Novak, one of God's most gorgeous creatures...even though I'm an atheist...never mind). Don't believe most other critics, folks, the seven deadly sins gimmick isn't as half-baked as you may have heard, I really think they all do fit one of the sins. I will, however, concede that finding out actor and character names is a much larger challenge, I had to do a helluva lot of research to find out who Novak played. Said brunette, by the way, also gets jiggy with sleepy (yep, that's sloth, though I won't ruin all of them for you) blonde Regine (Shirley Corrigan). Then we have the gluttonous bus driver Mr. Ducot, seen chomping at some fried chicken whilst driving the bus in the opening scene, no less. The hardest to pin down is Mr. Mason, who is a cranky old man, but the more one thinks about it, there is a certain deadly sin that is pretty much another word for anger. Also on hand is Mr. Sorrell, a rather rigid priest-in-training who is targeted throughout the film by the sexy succubus. Can Mr. Sorrell hold out? You'll have to watch for yourself.

Although some who saw the heavily edited original U.S. cut of the film may disagree, my two favorite characters were Corinne and Regine, with the latter looking like a stunning cross between Geri Halliwell and Britt Ekland ("The Wicker Man"). Why these two? I won't lie, it's because they are the most gorgeous yet stupid of the bunch. They're endlessly entertaining. Mr. Mason is certainly pathetic, but I wasn't hankering for some man-on-man lovin' with him and Mr. Ducot...not that there's anything wrong with that...actually yes there is in this case, but let's move on before I completely gross everyone out. Just be thankful that all the men keep their clothes on here, 'coz even Mr. Sorrell's kinda goofy-looking and the rest are middle-aged at best. As far as stupidity is concerned (apparently I'm an expert) I get endless entertainment from the scene where Regine is startled by a damn frog, and Corrine is also startled at one point by a falling piece of stone. Lucky they've...erm...got each other (they are roomies in the film- woo-hoo!), because it seems sleepy Regine is even incapable of taking a bath without the lovely Corinne's assistance. Hmmm....let's ponder that for a while shall we. As the late, great Walter Matthau said in "Grumpy Old Men", 'Oooh, Lesbians...Yummy!' (Aaarggghhh! More decrepit old men!). Although the love scene is intercut with other characters' interactions (usually a pet peeve of mine, especially during the sexy scene between Rae Dawn Chong and Kari Wuhrer in the unheard of but quite powerful and gritty "Boulevard"), it's a hum-dinger, especially now everyone can see the uncut version of the film. The women are stunning, in that Amazonian, Russ Meyer way I love so dearly, it's shot in some of the most gorgeous soft-focus cinematography and the music score, a bizarre mix of fuzz guitar and wordless vocals by Giulia (any relation to Cher? Pink? Enya?) is wonderful. The two women pretty much fill up the entire frame (and later cause the walls to hemorrhage), which is a good thing considering the film features some of the absolute worst interior decorating I've ever seen, the wallpaper is abominable.

Sadly, this one scene is all you get in the way of sex and nudity, but that's OK given that we also have the simultaneously serpentine and alluring Erika Blanc (Mario Bava's best film "Kill Baby, Kill") in the lead. Her navel-baring (take that, Britney you rip-off merchant!) outfits are wonders to behold and she gives a terrifically seductive yet sinister performance to rival fellow Bava actress Barbara Steele. The second notable performance (though Jean Servais is a respected arthouse actor) is that of the Max Schreck meets Paul Reubens-esque Daniel Emilfork. It's no secret that he plays the Devil, who is really only a sideline player, but it's one of the strangest interpretations of the character I've seen since Robert De Niro devoured an egg in "Angel Heart". Not physically imposing, he is slimy, creepy and what Gollum might refer to as 'Tricksy!'.

And now, the violence. The death scenes in this film are quite uneven. There's a wonderful choking death, a lovely beheading, and an absolute corker of a death-by-Iron Maiden, but we also see an irrelevant impaled cat, and a few less interesting murders with obvious fake blood. And don't get me started on that snake. The FX work is generally pitiful (jump cuts are used in place of more expensive artistry because the film's so damn cheap in many ways), but the ghoulish makeup on Blanc is fun. Fans of drive-in movies like me, however, won't really care about realistic gore or special FX. Harder to accept is the atrocious dialogue and overall familiarity of it all, right down to the dire warnings of the butler who, like the housekeeper, looks like a dead-ringer for the characters in the original "The Haunting", the best haunted house film ever. Meanwhile, the rest of the film is more like "House on Haunted Hill"...but with lesbians.

Key Area	Rating (out of 5)	Comment
Action		Not an action film, but there IS lesbian action. And an automobile accident.
Tension		Throws in every Gothic horror cliche in the book, including ominous thunderstorms, and people with candles walking down not-so darkened hallways to their doom.
Violence/ Gore		Fake, but there are beheadings, impalements, Iron Maidens (Excellent!), and some blood throughout. Not for gore-hounds
Bare Flesh		Uncut version now widely available features a great, dream-like lesbian love scene with a bit of nudity.
Plot		Not entirely well thought out in terms of the sins, and the finale as well, but a fun gimmick with an entertaining Gothic Horror story.

Verdict A fun film, but it falls apart at the end. It becomes confusing and eventually cheats us with a stupid twist. Thankfully that twist is followed by another one that is superlatively wicked. If you like Eurotrash from the 70s, or even haunted house movies...or lesbians for that matter, this is a flawed but highly enjoyable outing. Spooky, creepy, but about as scary as an episode of Scooby Doo (If only Regine was wearing a pair of glasses....enough of my sick cartoon fantasies, though)