Plot
Virginal college student (Milano) is targeted by lovesick vampire (Kemp) in her dreams...or something...whatever.
Analysis Can T&A alone save a film? About 10 years ago or so, I would've responded to that with a great big Jesus H. Jive Dancing Christ, Yes...It...Can! But this infamous tease of a film proves to be the exception to the rule. We've all seen the vidcaps/clips (come on, admit it!) of a very naked former child TV star Alyssa Milano (who also appeared in one of my favourite Schwarzenegger films, "Commando") but whilst the images are great, and there is a quite large amount of nudity in the film, it never goes beyond foreplay at best. There is no actual sex in this film (damn!) despite us being witness to a menage-a-trois and an orgy- we don't see anything beyond some petting, kissing and biting. Unfortunately, the film surrounding all this mouth-to-mouth contact is a dull mess. This film now joins the illustrious ranks of "Dollman vs. Demonic Toys", "Deadfall", "The Quick and the Dead", "On Deadly Ground", and "Colour of Night" as one of the worst films of the 1990s. As a fan of "Vampyros Lesbos", "Nude For Satan" and "Erotic Ghost Story", I hate to admit it, but I nearly fell asleep in this one.
The film makes no...sense...at...all. For instance, when do virgins wear black lipstick? Well, OK maybe they do, but they sure as hell don't fall from grace as quickly as our Alyssa does here. Oh, but she's wearing white!...Sure, virgin...rrright.
The editing is atrocious. The film uses the cheap editing tactic (marketing ploy) of spreading the scenes with its biggest star (Jennifer Tilly, whose Bound was a hundred times sexier than this because the film itself was lively and well-done) across most of the film, annoyingly and incoherently. In total, she has about a minute of screen time at best. Also given short shrift is the delectable Charlotte Lewis, playing a lesbian photographer who seems to come out of nowhere, after only the briefest mention of her character, to seduce Milano in the film's sexiest scene (given it only involves a kiss and some boobies, it'll give you a clue of the disappointment one will have when seeing the menage-a-trois and orgy scenes). ***SPOILER WARNING*** (Like it matters). Then we see Lewis at said orgy sequence late in the film. But because the film is so appallingly edited and Lewis is given so little character, we don't know if she's a vampire, or if it is just a dream. Infact, is ANYTHING shown in those dream sequences real? How about the entire film? See what I mean? ***END SPOILER***
Something that IS real are the performances...as in REAL boring. Milano has been quite vocal about her displeasure with this film (then stop wasting softcore film fans time and go do some Merchant Ivory!) but unlike say Kari Wuhrer or Shannon Tweed, she has not learned the art of (dare I say it) faking it.Her transition from sweetie pie Catholic girl to slutty vamp is not believable, and I'm not just talking about the character. But hey, she does get naked, and looks like it was money well spent on them tah-tahs too...but if she's not looking like she's having fun, how can the audience?
Poor Martin Kemp gets the role of the lovesick puppy...er...vamp, fond of pretentious monologues about his longing and lust that sound like they belong in an arty perfume commercial, and the film is shot in a similarly
pretentious manner. He plays the role in a rather ho-hum fashion and has the unfortunate...er...misfortune to look an awful lot like Nic Cage, star of another crappy vampire film "Vampire's Kiss". But at least in that film,
Cage got to eat a live cockroach.
The rest really aren't worth bothering about except to mention the extraordinarily dull Harrison Pruett as the on-again, off-again, hey-hasn't-she-got-a-boyfriend. He's got zero personality and looks like the end result of Ben Stiller and Ben Affleck having a baby (Hey, if Arnie can have a baby...it could happen!). He too appears in one of the many (many) dream sequences making us entirely confused as to his role, had we not been entirely confused already.
The film has pretentiously arty cinematography and a great-looking Gothic building for a major setting but there is little done with it all. It's as if Jess Franco (director of the excellently trippy "Vampyros Lesbos", but
mostly known for his style-over-anything-else attitude) were given the task of remaking "Legend", or better yet, "The Dark Crystal Goes Porno". Lots of boobies, little coherence and come to think of it, most of the Franco films I've seen at least MOVED.
Key Area |
Rating (out of 5)
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Comment |
Action
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None
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I've seen more action than any of the people in this film, and I barely leave the house.
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Tension
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Exceedingly dull, only the anticipation of the first booby making its appearance arouses (erm...er...) interest.
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Violence/
Gore
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One girl has her head bashed, and there are numerous scenes with some blood here and there.
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Bare Flesh
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The film's raison d'etre, but we all probbly saw the goods long before seeing the film, if you get my meaning. Lots of boobs and one very, very brief shot of Milano's map of Tasmania. Some brief male buttock exposure from Kemp (A woman directed this after all).
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Plot
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None
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A standard vampire-chases-true-love scenario done incompetently and incoherently.
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Verdict Makes "The Hunger" look positively restrained in its arty imagery and "Vampyros Lesbos" look like "Hobson's Choice" for quality.
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Facts, figures and boobs
1.
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Credits list Thank You's to both Bob Guccione and Jason Hervey. Could this be the Jason 'Hamster Patrol!' Hervey from (my favourite TV show) "The Wonder Years"?
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2.
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Guccione, of Penthouse Magazine, financed the film, with the star reportedly unhappy with this.
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3.
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Despite her unhappiness, Milano and Goursaud worked together on "Poison Ivy 2: Lily" around the same time.
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4.
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Goursaud edited Coppolla's "Bram Stoker's Dracula", with one scene involving three female vampires very similar in both films.
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5.
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Kemp is better known as a member of 80s band Spandau Ballet, and composer Joseph Williams (son of the supremely talented John) was once a singer for one-hit wonders Toto.
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Movie Pictures (Click picture to enlarge)
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What other people thought of this film: - |
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