PIRATES (2005)

In this High Seas adventure, Carmen Luvana stars as Isabella, separated from her lover when pirates, led by the infamous Captain Stagnetti (Tommy Gunn) attack their ship. Isabella is tossed overboard, and her lover kidnapped. She is picked up by chiseled Evan Stone, as Capt. Edward Reynolds, a hunky but somewhat dorky pirate hunter who is after Stagnetti and his crew. Part of that crew includes a female pirate, played by Janine Lindemulder. Also worth a mention is Jenaveve Jolie as a sexy gypsy who entertains some rather scruffy pirates with a little help from a bound Luvana.

As you may already know, I am no fan of watching movies that have been neutered of their sometimes explicit content. Sometimes this is because I am perverted, sometimes its because the film seems incoherent when cut, and other times it is just distracting. OK, so it’s mostly because I’m a perv, but I will not be complaining about that sort of thing with Pirates. Oh, I’ll complain alright, just not much. You see, this was actually a porn film edited down by the filmmaker himself to sell to a wider audience in an R-rated format. I’m no fan of directors messing with their own films (Lucas and Spielberg come to mind), but here it serves a fine purpose. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to share porn with everyone, right? Bring on the merger between porn and mainstream Hollywood, I say!
It must also be said that this film actually works relatively fine without all the graphic stuff anyway. In fact, I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that this is one of the most attractive films I’ve seen in quite a while. Some of the CGI reveals the film’s budgetary constraints (explosions look awful), but there’s also some cool-looking skeletons, right out of a Harryhausen film. The cinematography is simply gorgeous to behold, and the scenery (in any which way one wishes to use the term) is also stunning.

On the acting and story front, the film is no Oscar contender, but it isn’t a total loss. For what was originally intended as a porno parody of Pirates of the Caribbean, the film has a surprising wit to it and overall the film has ambitions far removed from the usual porno (Not that I’d know…no, never!). Hey, at least they’re trying! And the story, a typical seafaring adventure can’t help but pique your interest every now and then. The scene with Jolie and Luvana, with the former hired to entertain rowdy pirates is especially funny as it parodies the usual scene where bandits capture the girl and torture her. Best of all, though, is the performance by Stone, whose pirate hunter is a little Orlando Bloom, a little Capt. Jack Sparrow, and quite a bit of Bruce Campbell or Kurt Russell in Big Trouble in Little China. Usually, male characters in these sorts of films don’t interest me at all (and certainly not in ‘that’ way), but he’s hilarious, easily the bright spot in the film in terms of acting. The rest are amateurish to say the least, notably Gunn as the Bronx-sounding Captain Stagnetti, in a poor imitation of Captain Jack Sparrow, recast as a villain here. He’s simply awful and not funny at all.
But now we come to the negatives, and yes, it’s my usual problem with softcore-type films. And perhaps I just need to get a life or something, but that won’t be happening just yet, so just deal with it. Like the Friday night softcore films we get (so I’ve heard) on cable in Australia (and I’m not talking about the Adults Only channel), the choices made in the editing room are very odd indeed, and for me, infuriating. You see, even though I knew from the off that I was viewing a censored product, I wasn’t aware of how this was going to be done. Every sex scene is certainly heavily cut, but as per usual for these kinds of things, the girl-on-girl scenes are ALL practically MISSING. Two girls will embrace, one will give the other a peck, and with one exception, that’s it. Even the girl/guy scenes are allowed to carry on for a bit longer. I don’t get it, you’d think with penetration and all that, the scenes involving a male participant would be the ones to suffer the most. But not here, and I ain’t happy. The one exception is the Jolie/Luvana scene, which is played out a little, but still heavily cut. So I’m not angry that the film has been cut, I’m angry at how it was done. I mean, Bound has more girl-on-girl content, and it isn’t and was never, a porn film of any kind. It was kinda mainstream Hollywood. So what’s up with that? I mean, Pirates won 11 AVN awards including Best All-Girl scene involving Lindemulder and Jane, so why the hell can’t we see that award-winning scene (it is R-rated after all?)

What we are left with is not hardcore, it’s not even softcore, really, and whilst that annoys the pervert in me, the film isn’t a total loss. In fact, if one were to simply treat it as a spoof with some T&A, the film works surprisingly decently. If they had’ve found a better actor to play the baddie pirate role, it might’ve even made for a genuinely good film. I for one, really, really wanted to love this film. So if you’re just looking for a silly film with a few boobs thrown in, and a fabulous look (thanks to HD filming), you could do a lot worse than this. It’s quite a watchable film, if you’re in a silly mood.