THE SEXY ADVENTURES OF VAN HELSING (2004)

On the advice of her dead Uncle Abraham (Mackay), ultra-awkward Wilhelmina Van Helsing (Smith) goes after female vampire Dracoola (Caine). However, the Countess has the nerdy, innocent-seeming Wilhelmina help her locate some lesbians, as lesbians are apparently the only true virgins. But is Wilhelmina really under Dracoola’s spell? Will she become susceptible to the lust for lesbians like her predecessors?
You just knew a day like this was coming, didn’t you? I’ve said plenty of times that they made much better, sexier horror films back in the 70s, especially in Europe, and I’ve been especially dismayed by Hollywood’s predominantly PG-13 output lately. Enter Seduction Cinema...basically, they’re all we’ve got! If you can overlook the cheap look, poor filmmaking, abysmal scripting that favours lengthy softcore (sometimes bordering on hardcore) sex scenes (predominantly girl-girl. Woo-hoo!), over plot and characters, and other problems, some of these films aren’t always bad. “The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing” is much better than most, and it even has a non-sexual role for a male character that I actually liked, rather than considering them a distraction. Mackay’s Abraham, who is absolutely hilarious, despite his goofy blue makeup that reminds me of the stupid stuff they used on “Buffy”. He also rarely gets in the way of the sex scenes, a pet peeve of mine, with an interesting use of shadow to signify his presence during some scenes but subtle enough to not be distracting.

The sex scenes themselves are a mixed bag. They often have an irritating fuzzy cinematography look about them, the likes of which were prevalent in the 70s Eurotrash horror pics I know and love, but this isn’t the 70s anymore, and here the filmic gimmick is just annoying. The Holy Grail would likely be the climactic scene (heh, heh) where Wilhelmina’s recruits engage in a 5-way lesbian buffet at Dracoola’s abode. The smudged lens is still evident here, but c’mon, five lesbians all at once. This is one party I sure as heck would kill for an invite to (I know, I know, I don’t have the right equipment, but I do believe I’m a lesbian at heart!). But oddly enough, it’s not just the sex and almost constant nudity that appealed to me here (hey, I may have a penchant for lesbians, but I ain’t no perve...well...kinda). In addition to Mackay, the film’s script is actually legitimately funny at times, enough so that you tend to suspect that the film’s cheap look is intentional. I mean, not only do we get an hilarious pull-my-finger gag, but there’s an ominous thunderstorm gag (leading me to believe that this might just be the product of a union between Mel Brooks and my main man Russ Meyer, though Russ would fire a few of the chicks), and one very funny moment where AJ Kahn, as pretty much the only person who will talk to the pratfalling geek Wilhelmina, gives a demonstration of sexual intercourse involving dolls, that really has to be seen to be believed.
The extras on the DVD are actually a lot better than I had anticipated. Of course there is a slew of trailers for other films made by Seduction Cinema, with 'Sinful Wives' looking OK, and 'Spiderbabe' and 'Mummy Raider' looking like must-see flicks to me. The Behind-the-scenes doco is a little too jokey for me, but worth a look simply to hear the boom guy relate a story about how the director was in prison and was somebody’s bitch. The most prominent extra is the film 'Vampire’s Seduction', which The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing is essentially a longer, better remake of. It’s not a good film at all, though some scenes (such as the diner scene) are pretty much the same as in the remake. The big difference is that it’s a guy doing the spying and recruiting of lesbians.

Some of the ideas of this film are interesting, but the plot is really just a clothesline for a string of lesbian love-ins. Still it HAS a plot, at least
(Even some of Troma’s films can’t claim that) and it earns points for getting right to ‘it’ over the opening credits, at least. This is one of the better films of its type, this is funnier, better made and less grotesque than I had feared, and hey, who doesn’t love lesbians and a good fart gag? (Can the Hugh Jackman film claim that?)

Score

6 / 10